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accidental breeders

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Aug. 21st, 2008 | 06:56 pm
posted by: shannonmariah in badparents

Hi. First-time poster. Here's what I have to say today ... why I should be and am part of the badparents community:

Holy frick; I could have written this paragraph:

Bennet-Speer says she'd never been very interested in children, but had assumed she'd have them because "that's what you do, get married and have kids." When she met her husband and he told her he didn't want to be a father, it hit her that parenthood was a choice, and she didn't have to choose it. "It sounded perfect to me," she says. "I truly was fine with [not having kids] as soon as he suggested it as a possibility."

I found this in a Salon article. It's SO interesting.

Yeah, when we were dating (actually, I think Steve waited until we were engaged to drop the bomb) and Steve confessed that he had no desire to have children, it was if he had just told me he didn't think we should breathe anymore. And it's funny that I even thought that way, because I remember telling my mom growing up that I wouldn't be having any children. At first I was just voicing a desire, and when it got such a negative reaction, I kept it up to piss her off. Partly I didn't think any man would ever want me, and partly I just really had zero interest in children. I still don't really. I mean, not in a maternal way. I have never been interested in holding people's babies. Until I had Emma and then started teaching, children scared me.

Steve's anti-child campaign really made me question my own desire to have kids. After a year or so I realized that I didn't want kids either; I was just following The Plan. (Not God's or anything, but the mandate of society to settle down, buy a home and breeeeeed. Yanno?) Once I started to play around with the idea of having a choice, I really started to get used to and excited over the idea of a child-free life.

And then I went off the pill because I'm drug-phobic. And for almost a year I charted my body's comings and goings, and then one Boxing Day 2001 we got frisky (the rents had just left and we had a curtain for a bedroom door and a shoe box for a house), and I had neglected to check my fluids that morning and thought really -- in a healthy woman at any given time there only like a 33% chance -- so what the hell: let's just do IT. And WHAMO: along comes our little Emmie. And I love her, I mean ... well ... I could have written this part too:

"You will find women who say, on the one hand, 'I love my children, they're profoundly fulfilling and I can't imagine not having had them.' But on the other hand they'll say, 'Boy, this is really stressful."

And we took Emma to Wal-Mart tonight. Which, really, is always a bad decision. Have you ever seen a happy family at Wal-Mart that makes you think "Golly gee! Those little whippersnappers are so gosh darnn adorable that I'd sure like to make some of my own!" No; I've only seen the "screaming and out of control" variety. The ones that make you SO glad you get to go home, walk to your bedroom without worry of stepping on Polly Pocket limbs, and take a NAP!

Anyway. I honestly DO love Emma. She's beautiful and amazing and I can't believe that she's mine and part of me. And then there are days when ... fuck: I can't believe she's mine and part of me.

Oh my little munchie-munch ... don't be damaged by this when you read it. Your mother adores you and is doing the freaking best that she can. But this is seriously the HARDEST thing she's EVER had to do. And I just want to do it so well that it paralyzes me sometimes. I'm super glad you're alive and part of my life. It doesn't stop me from being overwhelmed, unfortunately. And tired. And seriously lacking a social life. And longing for naps. And impatient in Wal-Mart. 

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Comments {27}

like fine china

(no subject)

from: martina_d
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 01:04 am (UTC)
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Hello....is that my own memory reflected back? Because I could have written this myself:
and partly I just really had zero interest in children. I still don't really. I mean, not in a maternal way. I have never been interested in holding people's babies. Until I had Emma and then started teaching, children scared me.

I never had the urge to hold anyone's babies, and when I was pregnant, I'd hold one when it was forced on me, and think, "Holy shit, what have I signed up for?" And yes, I was a teacher also. And a damn good one. But it's different with your own kids.

Well, now we have THREE, and I love it. But part of me, some days, still says, "Holy shit, what have I signed up for?"

Welcome! You're in the right place. =)

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DreamWeaver

(no subject)

from: dreamweaver523
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
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"Holy shit what have I signed up for"

EXACTLY!!! My kids are 23 and 13. I still have those moments ::weak laugh::

They were planned and wanted and all that jazz, but still...there are moments.

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like fine china

(no subject)

from: martina_d
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:06 am (UTC)
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It's so refreshing to be in a community where parents can actually say that without a cyber-bitchslap! It's just not all fun and games, and I don't think people really tell you that before you do it. Or, you don't hear it... =)

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DreamWeaver

(no subject)

from: dreamweaver523
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:12 am (UTC)
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oh I completely TOTALLY agree with you. I am not perfect. My children are not perfect. My grandkid is not perfect. I have days where I want to close my door and read and not worry about soccer practices or volleyball games or kindergarten supplies or dinner. Now that the youngest kid is 13, I do that sometimes. She doesn't appear any the worse for wear.

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shannon

(no subject)

from: shannonmariah
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:31 am (UTC)
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I don't think, traditionally, the generation before us really did talk about the hardest parts of parenting. And, yeah, if they did, we didn't hear it. But I really believe that's changing. Take this community, for instance!

Talking about it takes the isolation and loneliness of those dark spaces away, I think. I'm so thankful to be able to talk about it in safe places.

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DreamWeaver

(no subject)

from: dreamweaver523
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
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agreed....and yes, this is a great place.

I do know my mom has pointed out to me that the pill became available and that's why I am her last baby LOL She didn't say it in a nasty, bad way or anything, but yeah, she was DONE.

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Crash Test Mommy

(no subject)

from: popchex
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
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hahah I can just imagine that conversation. "Why did you stop after me?" "Why honey, that's when the Pill came out *blissful smile*"

Compared to my conversation with my mom - why am I here? The pill doesn't work for everyone. hahah :P (Although I'm sure I'm more a product of user error than failure!)

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shannon

(no subject)

from: shannonmariah
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:25 am (UTC)
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Good to know -- thanks!

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summerific88

(no subject)

from: summerific88
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 03:05 am (UTC)
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"Holy shit, what have I signed up for?"

Is it bad that my son is only 6 months (almost 7) and I have already had these thoughts?! Haha... I do love my son but seriously, some days it's like wtf have I gotten myself into?!

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Lindsay

(no subject)

from: amphixious
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 04:14 am (UTC)
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Ditto... I'm still intimidated by children. Others... not mine.

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Lena Bea

(no subject)

from: karmalingoist3
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 01:16 am (UTC)
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my mom was a teacher before she had me, and she always said that she didn't like kids until she had me.

I feel the same way about my son. We were planning on having kids, and I liked kids before, but I didn't work with them, or ever babysit or anything like that. I was the "play for five mins then hand back to mom" kind of girl. But I am SO in love with my son. But I can still only take other people's children's in small doses while there parents are there.

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shannon

(no subject)

from: shannonmariah
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:27 am (UTC)
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I think the only reason that I survive teaching is because it's an environment that I create with the kids. And we develop such deep bonds. But yeah, when I'm just around other people's children ... I don't have that kind of pull or say ... so I'm not so in love with it. But I do love my friend's kids. I can't help it.

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Lena Bea

(no subject)

from: karmalingoist3
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 03:06 am (UTC)
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yeah I'm a teacher in a play program for kids as well. But the parents are there for the entire 45 min class (with the exception of one 1hr long class a week where i have four 3yr olds). I love working with the kids, and developing the bond, but yeah I'm glad to go home to my one child.

And I'm a single mom. My son spends the weekends with his father, and I cannot tell you how much I enjoy that time. By Sunday I'm missing him pretty badly, but by Thursday night I"m looking forward to my alone time as well. That time is so sacred to me as it's my time to not be "so and so's Mom" but instead who I am. Ya know?

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brynnhavok

(no subject)

from: brynnhavok
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 11:22 pm (UTC)
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I think Single or not, everybody needs that time to just be themselves. I call it my Momma time. It's my time to not be Momma.

My daughter is my world, but with out that break, yeah...

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Allison

(no subject)

from: a_rowan_dryad
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:56 pm (UTC)
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DITTO! I adore my now 4yr old. Well... most days anyway. But to this day I still don't much care for other children unless their parents are around to give them back to if they drive me to nuts.

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(no subject)

from: scenicbeauty
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:21 am (UTC)
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Have you ever seen a happy family at Wal-Mart that makes you think "Golly gee! Those little whippersnappers are so gosh darnn adorable that I'd sure like to make some of my own!"

This will totally make everyone in the community hate me, but yeah, most of the time, that's me in the store with my kids. Not all the time. Sometimes I'm the yelling mom with the out-of-control 3-year-old who won't stay with her. Sometimes I'm the impatient mom saying "NO! You CANNOT have that." 6 million times. But, really, most of the time my kids are relatively well behaved and thanks to some glitch in the universe I seem to have been given an extra measure of patience for my children when in public (not at home though, never at home - I'm so darn impatient with them at home it's crazy)! :)

Our first child was a total accident. I always wanted a kid. I desperately wanted on just then, but the timing was *horrible* and I knew it. Oops, we ended up pregnant anyway - I was charting, too, and mis-read the signs. We pushed the envelope having sex w/o protection on day 8 of my cycle and I figured I'd be fine, I didn't usually ovulate til day 14-15... that month the egg sprung early and boom, there was Josh. :) Our second child was semi-planned (I had my IUD removed mid-cycle expecting it to be a few months before fertility returned and didn't even have another period). Our third child was a colossal surprise since we were actively preventing with *2* methods because after crazy-baby #2, we were DONE!

It's seriously crazy, though, because I'm impatient and my kids were mostly accidental (not unwanted, though, never unwanted). I love them, yes. But if *I* had been fully in control, the timing of each of them would have been different. My oldest *just* started school last week. I'm exhausted and impatient and would give almost anything for a minute to myself without someone touching me most days! But, at the same time, now that I have 3... I want 4. I *want* another one so bad I can almost taste it at times. And that right there makes me feel like the worst parent of all - the one who doesn't know when to stop.

PS I'm probably going to get my IUD out in December... I just can't help myself and the husband is game for the adventure. :)

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shannon

(no subject)

from: shannonmariah
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:29 am (UTC)
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I sure don't hate you. I love your honesty, actually.

And I agree about the accidental vs. unwanted. Emma may have been accidental, but I adore her face off. Even when I'd like to slap it (but I don't -- I promise).

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svisha_kuzya

(no subject)

from: svisha_kuzya
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 01:47 pm (UTC)
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sometimes planned is not easy either. mine was planned...a year and a half planned (we had trouble getting pregnant). but some mornings when he's been up twice during the night I just don't know. it was so much easier before kids.

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Lena Bea

(no subject)

from: karmalingoist3
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 03:08 am (UTC)
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there's a WONDERFUL episode of "Rosanne" where DJ finds out he was an "accident" at one point Rosanne sits him down and and tells him that he wasn't an accident he was a "happy surprise"

I've always loved that way of putting it.

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brynnhavok

(no subject)

from: brynnhavok
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
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That's how we phrase... that she was a surprise, from me being pregnant to her ten pound little body to the fact that she was a girl (I thought, SWORE she was a boy).

No accident, just a big surprise.

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Christine

(no subject)

from: moongoddessxtc
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 02:51 am (UTC)
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Nice intro! lol ... My Xander was planned - but I have my moments ;) Welcome to the group, I don't post much but I love it here.

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spikey_kris

(no subject)

from: spikey_kris
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
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I fully agree with everyone who says this group is awesome. Nothing worst than "Super Moms" gettin' all up in your grill...

I'm 25, my son is 7. I love and adore him to bits, he's a bloody brilliant kid, but I NEVER want another child. This parent stuff is damn tough, its an 18 year contract just to get 'em to adulthood and I'm already nearly through 8 of those years, be damned if I'm gonna sign up again!

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Lindsay

(no subject)

from: amphixious
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 04:15 am (UTC)
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I'd be willing to be at least 51% of the people on the planet are "accidents"

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puckbunny87

(no subject)

from: puckbunny87
date: Aug. 22nd, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
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lmao. I love this post.

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marsden_family

(no subject)

from: marsden_family
date: Sep. 16th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
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I love my daughter to pieces but she can drive me nuts.

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rockzenraven

(no subject)

from: xrockravenx
date: Feb. 9th, 2009 03:48 pm (UTC)
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Wow, so such a safe haven DOES exist. I'm going to join this community soon.

=)

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jcvmom

(no subject)

from: jcvmom
date: Jun. 29th, 2009 07:09 am (UTC)
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Finally! I am so sick of my sister and friends who have infants around my kids age, they all act like it's not hard or that their children are just so easy to take care of. I was crying 2 days ago as my infant screamed and screamed without consolation. Having a 2 year old and a 2 month old has made me thank GOD that I had my tubes tied! I appreciate hearing (reading) someone else have a similar view about momhood.

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